내 못난 줄 알아야...

[내 못난 줄 알아야]

공부는 내 못난 줄 알아야 제대로 한 것이고 또 사실 진짜 공부는 그 때부터 시작입니다.

우리는 늘 내 잘난 마음으로 살아 갑니다. 내 잘난 마음이 가득하여 함부로 남을 무시하며 내 자랑을 하고 내 말만 하려 듭니다. 그리고 그런 와중에 알게 모르게 남을 무시하며 남에게 상처를 주게 됩니다. 그런데도 우리는 그런 사실을 알지 못하고 늘 남만 늘 탓합니다. 잘난 내가 잘난 견해를 말하는데 듣지를 않고 잘난 나를 알아 보지 못한다고 말이지요...

그런데 수행을 하면 내 못난 걸 알게 됩니다. 잘난 줄 알았던 내가, 알고 보니 사실은 잘난 게 하나도 없었던 것이지요. 잘난 줄 알았던 것들은 모두 나의 착각에 불과한 것! 나는 얼마나 많은 세월을 허망한 착각에 속아 남들에게, 그리고 스스로에게 못할 짓을 의식도 못하고 많이 저질러 왔던 것인가... 생각하면 생각할수록 부끄럽고 분하기 그지없습니다...

그렇게 모자란 내가, 그렇게 잘난 구석이라고는 정말 하나도 없는 내가, 틈만 나면 아는 체 하고 아는 소리를 그렇게 부끄러운 줄 모르고 쏟아 냈으니, 다른 분들이 나만 나타나면 머리가 아파지고 고개를 흔든 것은 당연지사 아니겠습니까. 알고 보면 하나도 그 분들이 그른 것은 없었던 것입니다.

이런 것을 알게 되어야 겨우 내 공부가 진정으로 조금이나마 제 궤도로 들어 선 것입니다.
불교적 용어로 말씀 드리면, 아상(我相)이 적어지는 것이지요.

그런데 이 말을 바꿔 말하면, 내 못난 줄 모르면 아직 공부를 제대로 하지 못했다는 말입니다. 남들이 보기에 아무리 대단한 수행을 해도, 내 못난 마음이 들지 않으면 헛 수행을 한 것입니다.

행여나 내 공부가 어느 정도 되었다, 하는 생각이 들 때면 내 마음을 한 번 잘 들여다 볼 일입니다. 그리하여 내 마음 어느 한 구석에라도 내 잘난 마음이 남아 있으면 아직도 진리와는 한참이 먼 것이니, 헛된 모습에 스스로를 속이며 남에게 상처나 주지 말고, 더더욱 큰 참회와 정진으로 나아갈 일입니다...

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